Life and Me – 3

Try not to let a single moment get past you unnoticed. That way you live longer. Try it, only if you wish to live a long life.

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Life and Me – 2

Sometimes I feel so young yet so old.

Life and Me – 1

Fights are like accidents. You never know when it can happen.

What do you really love to do?

How many times has this question occurred in your mind? A zillion times? A million times? A thousand times? A hundred times? Couple of times? Never? Doesn’t matter. Count this as your first time if it has never passed you by or for all of you who have come across this question earlier, add this to your count. Well, as for me, this question has struck me many times. I somehow choose to ignore it. What is it that I love to do the most? I thought I had cracked this a long while ago. But then sadly, very recently I realized that I never really had. Years back, when I had paved my path, I was dead sure that someday I would make it to that clearing, where I can stand tall and scream out loud. A shout loud enough to shatter all my inhibitions and mark my arrival. 11 years have gone by, with me treading across various terrains but yet there’s no sign of that beautiful clearing. What do I really love to do? My search has zero results so far. I “like” to do a lot of things, but I really would love to do that one thing. Do you think Russel Crowe “loves” to act? Do you think “David Gilmore” loved music? Do you think ants “love” sugar crystals? They are just born with it. It’s in their basic instinct. They just know. Born to act. Born to sing. Born to spread pollen. The need to fall in love with something and then patiently wait for it to tear out of its cocoon, a moment they never really had to wait for. Because they were born with it running in their veins. Musical notes for Gilmore, expressions for Russel, Fluid back-hand baseline returns for Fedderrer. It just runs in their veins. They wouldn’t say “I love to do this”, they would say, “I was born to do this”. Simple. It’s natural to them. It lives in them. Hence, will the question, “what do u really love to do” seem as intense to them? Maybe not. Maybe it sounds stupid and irrelevant. Lame for sure. Questions that have an obvious one word answer, YES. But for some of us, the question might just send pangs of anxiety through our body, especially if we have already walked this earth for more than 30 years! A resounding hard slap across our face. It’s time we figured what we really love to do. More so, because living a pretentious life is not too hard. You just get accustomed to leading a mundane life. What you really love to do gets layered with large thick sheets of treacherous reasons. These reasons conspire against you, so that you never come across that question, at least for a long time. These days my reasons are flirting with my mind. They are such temptress. Always managing to lead me away from that clearing. But I know that someday, I will crash through the thicket, and burst out into the ever elusive clearing. Someday soon I will shout.

Alcohol

Drunk. A state of understanding that you love, but yet you hate.

Insomnia

4.15 am Monday morning. The world around me is asleep. Some of them probably in their 5th and final dream. Sleep never wants to be friends with me. I wonder why? There are times when I lay on the bed, trying to sleep. Funnily, I have tried everything in the book. Count crows, sheep, tick-tock(s), try to stare into the wall and trace the ever elusive face-in-the-wall, 100 push-ups. Nothing seems to help. No glass of hot milk, no alcohol, no boring programs on the idiot box, no boring novels on “how-to-be-successful”, not even good sex can make me sleep. Wtf? But then sleep, I do. I pass out after 5 am. It happens just like that. No explanation to it. No warning. No signs. It just hits me, like a nice hard punch. I drift into this lucid space. I float around in myriad thoughts, move in and out of various emotions, and then suddenly I hear myself snore! That’s an unique sensation to hear myself snore. It’s like an ‘outer body’ experience. I wake up briefly, savoring the moment for a while longer, before drifting again into a labyrinth of conflicting thoughts. At 5 am, it sure seems to be a busy day in my head.

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